perspective, random thoughts

How do you reflect on your life and your mortality?

Having seeing death of my loved ones this year can be a wake-up call to think deeply about what we use our short time here for. They shift my perspective and help me reflect on the need to seize every day as if it was the last. (as the old adage goes) Recently, during recollection,we asked to write our own eulogy’ exercises .I was struck by the pure insignificance my death would have on the world. I imagined that I had died and what the impact of my death would be. Yes, some would miss me. Yes, some would mourn for me. Yes, some would lose something because of my non-existence.

But, really, how much of an impact would my death really have? The people that are affected at the outset would return to their lifestyles, their routines. They would find ways to continue on with their lives without me.

This experience left me with many profound realizations:

– People are extraordinary. Regardless of what life throws at them (my death for example), they would be able to pick themselves up, find a way onwards, and be happy. People are actually quite powerful when faced with change.

– If death (and life) are so insignificant what does it matter what I do? I could choose to be a complete bitchy and piss people off. I could work a corporate job and do what everyone else does. I could be a pure saint. I could stand for something. I could look bad, be embarrassed, be scared, be courageous, be confident, be powerful. None of this matters at all, because one day I will die and everyone will just move on. I actually find this insight incredibly uplifting and empowering.

I suppose on an egotistical level, I would love to think that my death would have an impact. Perhaps by my death people would be inspired to make drastic changes in their life. Perhaps they will be inspired to be more empathetic and caring for every other person. Perhaps they will be more open and transparent. Perhaps they will take responsibility for their lives and their choices.

But, I think this is a pipe dream. Nothing will happen at my death. The only thing I could ever possibly impact is those people around me, who interact with me while I’m alive, every day.


random thoughts

Saddened discovering the “Power Struggle”

Just realized on a few people I know, who are self-centered and ego-centric which I suspect, mix with tinges of myriad of insecurities . What they have in common are being abusive in one respect or other – whether verbal, physical in ways and avenues they manifest mainly to their closest and dearest. However, they are invariably charming, pleasant, nice and helpful to strangers, acquaintances and friends, especially female friends.

For one who I knew a long time, it took me a while to realize all his tales of woe of his family not being nice to him and me wondering why this was so – was because he was verbally and physically abusive to them. It give me a shock to realized this once I fully comprehend it. He was also proud of it – I heard the pride in his voice when he admitted to beating up a woman.

Another was so proud of his own faults he accused me of a lot of things he himself was. For no good reason he had an outburst. I was so amazed by his accusations but realized it was no good pointing this out to him – that his accusations described him exactly and when I asked my guidance counselor friend what was up with that – he explained “projection” to me. I was his projection for some reason or other.

All these few people I was thinking about had a common denominator which cued me to their inner demons and real self – bad temper with a tendency to lash out , shout and scream over inconsequential matters and a huge tendency to run down others and people in their lives. Mind you, this is not merely bad behavior – I realized with these people that once you let them get away with say , shouting at you once, they will do so again. And again. They only do it to people who will put up with it. And soon, they will start running you down too. They do it to bolster their insecurities – especially when they perceive you are doing “better” than them.

I used to feel sorry for these people – because they do project they were hard done by in one way or another ; by world, family, friends, people etc – but gradually when they reveal their true selves – I stay away from them. Truth is, it is usually too late for most of these people – to change or otherwise. Because they have locked themselves into this behavior and have been allowed to get away like this for decades. In spite of relationship failures – it is always somebody’s faulty. Family, friends, girlfriends, wives.

Nowadays, I don’t put up or feel sorry or want to put up with these types of people. To those who are abusive, narcissistic or with a behavioral disorder in dealing with me, I use to tell them where to get off. No matter who it is, I think it’s important to make yourself clear and try to avoid people who doesn’t deserve to deal with. Sometimes it helps to hold up a mirror to them. This way they can probably become aware of their own anger or dysfunctional self to cure it. I am learning that I cannot help everyone and that I cannot let people use excuses of their dysfunctional childhood/lives as excuses to behave badly . And that I have to stay far away from these abusive and frequently bullying people. People who were bullied/abused can go either way – become one themselves or help others.  Besides what I mentioned above , includes the following:

1. Trigger-Happy-Road-Rage-Ready behavior,
2. Maid, animal Abuse,
3. calling Flats, “Houses”
4. Spousal Violence, Emotional Abuse,..
5. ..etc,….
May I respectfully state that such behaviors – is NOT Gender specific, but another manifestation of the “Power struggle”.. Do Take care,..and avoid such toxic people,..WE DO Have a Choice.